Guns are on their way out. And thank goodness! With guns gone, violence will all but disappear. Still, once in a great while, you might need to defend yourself against a ne’er-do-well. When those ruffians come kicking your door down, you need to be ready. Here are seven great ways to defend your home against an armed burglar when your guns have all been confiscated.

Number one. Call your local social worker. Get on the phone and call up a state therapist to help you two work out your differences. They’ll be there in 30 minutes or less! Or it’s free.

Number two, have your kids leave all their Legos out. A sure-fire defense strategy, although sometimes it backfires when you accidentally step on them yourself in the middle of the night.

Number three. Make sure to hang a gun-free zone sign in your window, It is a little known legal fact that burglars must stop and not shoot you if you inform them your home is a gun-free zone. Sounds simple, but give it a try. What are they going to do? Shoot you?

Number four. Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees. So it’ll be uncomfortably hot for the burglars. After a few hours looting all your stuff, they’ll need to take a break and go outside to cool down, and then when they least expect it, you can lock them out.

Number five. Bust out the Nerf guns. One of those crazy cool ones with the drum magazines your rich friends had growing up will surely intimidate the intruder.

Number six, rig up a complex Rube Goldberg booby trap that incapacitates the criminals in hilarious ways. Something swings into something that knocks into something else that rolls down into something. And then BAM! The criminal gets hit on the head, causing permanent brain damage. It’s funny and effective.

Finally, ask them to hug it out. When all else fails, just be the bigger man and ask the criminal to hug it out with you.

Well, that’s all the tips that we have. If you’re a good person and therefore hate guns, you owe it to yourself to try these techniques today and let us know how it goes in the comments. But if you dead because the guy who shot you, then you won’t be able to do that part, but good job.

Source: Babylon Bee